it was about crazy, y'all.  all i can say is this:  it was about crazy. 

yesterday, when we went to the supermarket to pick up some mangoes, it was like i was taking an innocent stroll through the fruits and veggies section THEN up out of the watermelon cart pops this midget.......sorry, bec.........YES a midget wearing pink high heels, a blue suede jacket, and camouflage pants.  This midget, armed with a potato gun, looks me straight in the eye and says:  so are you gonna turn over the goods or what?  i didn't know what goods he was talking about.....so i got blasted with the potato gun......ouch!  GIVE ME THE GOODS, he shouts (i don't know what a HE was doing wearing high heels....oh well)

the only goods i could find to turn over were in my grocery cart, which was full of taco shells, plain yogurt, and broccoli.  i pushed it over his way and he jumped into it, and made it go, somehow.  my, how that thing went.  so he was blazin the aisles in his pink high heels, blue suede jacket, and camouflage pants.  men, women, children, and service animals (including squirrels) alike were screaming at the horror.  something had to be done.....

i tried to pull out my cell phone, but just then the mismatched midget blazed by, and my phone disappeared.  strange........so i tried using morse code, then braille, then smoke signals.......nothing seemed to be getting through.......the towers must've been full........wait.......no, uh........gah.

there was still a huge problem at hand.......i was short 8 boxes of taco shells, fourteen tubs of plain yogurt, and a sprig of broccoli, not to mention the chaos as the aisles were being blazed by the angry midget, and men, women, children, and service animals (including squirrels) shouted bloody murder. 

I eventually, without the midget's notice, ducked through the back door to try and locate the store manager......as i made my way to his office, i noticed a strange smell.......quite a strange smell.  just around the corner there was a giant teepee in the back, and upon approaching the teepee i was greeted by a formidable old indian looking guy who said to me:  HOW.  it was the smell of the peace pipe.....yuck!  so i went in the teepee, and found the cheif of the wigwam hullabulla sitting peaceably (with a peace pipe, what do you expect?)  he, not even looking in my direction, recited this riddle:  "what happened to the indian chief who drank too much tea?"  the words almost leapt from my lips as i chimed "he drowned in his teapee."  at that precise moment the teepee, chief of the wigwam hullabulla, and the other formidable indian guy melted away, and i stood knees to face with the midget. 

"i see you've 'taken care' of my chief.  how'd you do that?  he was 348 years old, ya know." 

"what do you WANT?"  i begged.  after all, i had only come to the store for some taco shells, plain yogurt, broccoli, and a set of pot holders. 

"you KNOW what i am after.......you remember.....the other day.......foo man chu and the electric light orchestra..........."

growing increasingly nervous i began to fumble around, reaching into and out of my pockets....

"i had moo goo gai pan, and tofu salad...........don't TELL me you don't remember......."

moo goo gai pan.....what could this mean?  i've never even HEARD of tofu........if i'd only traveled to china in my world excursions.......reaching back into my pocket, i felt a small piece of plastic......it felt like a credit card, so i pulled it out to see whose it was. 

AHA snapped the midget as he wooshed the card out of my hands.  I THOUGHT I'D NEVER GET IT BACK he shouted as he turned and ran out of the back of the store behind me. 

as i turned around, remembering that i'd forgotten to give that peculiar midget back his credit card the last time he'd come through cook pan (american for "chef wok") i saw him trip, fall, and lose the card to a rabid moose.  some midgets never learn not to be so dang greedy. 

as i arrived at home i was greeted with a special surprise...................................................................................

(super) HEROES:  J-Mac, J-Roc, and J-Rod

NEMESIS:  the BIG NASTY.

"What about the salt?" J-Mac asked the Roc and Rod. 

(123) "THERE WAS NO SALT" they replied.

"What about Sally?  Doesn't she use salt?" -Mac

"Man Sally is so totally hot" - Rod

"Sally was eaten alive last month by the BIG NASTY.  Let's leave her alone for once.  Every time i turn my head its just sally this sally that.  Well, if you guys saw sally now, you wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole."  Roc. 

"would too" - Mac

"yeah man - let's go find her.  i bet i WOULD touch her with a ten foot pole." - Rod

"aight but don't say I didn't warn you" - Roc.

So they decided to leave the Head Quarters (HQ) and go on a quest to find Sally.  First they suited up in the finest Oscar de la Renta Tuxedoes, and then had James bring the Limo around. 

(Inside the limo)

"How about a Martini?  Shaken, not stirred!" Mac

"No thanks - I never drink on the job" Roc

"Yeah me neither." Rod

"Well, we might need it after all.  I told you - you wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.  DRINK UP."  Roc

"I'll drink to that."  Rod

Just then James, the limo driver, exploded.  At this point, Mac, Roc, and Rod proceeded to rip off their tuxes in anguish at the exploded James, change into space suits, and continue the chase. 

"Man these things are heavy.  Is my Oxygen on?"  Mac

"No joke man - You see the men on the moon on TV just jumping around like they weigh nothing - the moon must give you stronger legs or something.  Wanna feel my guns?"  Rod

"Stop calling them guns.  Dont you know we're in an airport and we're going to get arrested?"  Roc

"Whatev.............."  WHHHEEO WHEEEEO WHEEEEO the sirens began to sound.....it was too late.........they had been arrested.

"Sir, never say 'guns' in a secure area.  It got you arrested" - angry officer with a mullet.

"I didn't mean it like that, man" Rod

"Well, however you meant it it got you here.  Now GET IN JAIL!!!" mullet

so they found themselves behind bars for the third time that day....

"Lucky my space suit came with propellers" Roc

"Lucky mine came with a saw" Mac

"Mine only has a hole so i can go pee." Rod

"Well, you have a saw, F-Mac.  Get us outta here!" Roc

"Did you just call me F-Mac?"  Mac

"For give me.......(J-Roc blushes inside his space suit)"

HACK HACK HAW HAW GEE GEE MR> BLURP and the walls came down. 

"Gosh J-Mac that was awesome!" Rod and Roc

but was it awesome enough? Just on the other side of the wall there was an alligator pond, and the alligator wate just came flooding in.  Good one, J-mac. 

WILL OUR SUPER HEROES EVER FIND SALLY?  WILL THEY ESCAPE DEATH'S GRIP IN THE ALLIGATOR POND?  WILL THEY EVER FIND SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO WEAR BESIDES SPACE SUITS AND TUXEDOES?  WILL J-MAC EVER STOP DRINKING MARTINIS ON THE JOB?  TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT

peace, homies

THE LONG AWAITED NUMBER 4

Hero:  J-Roc

Place:  J-Roc's headsleepy dreams

Nemesis:  Brookshires

It had really been a hard knock for Rebecca.  We decided to go to Shreveport - we and our posse Corley, Doarsh, J-Mac, and Betch.  Once there, Bec and I went to visit her parents.......a mountain lodge with a HUGE back deck........who'd have known?  right there in Bossier all along!

Bob came out with a ginormous pack of Marlboro reds, lit up.  I SNATCHED it out of his hand, took a long hard draw, and said "Thanks, Bob."  Soon thereafter Rita(rd) came out, all dressed up in the finest of her silkies, looking like a chintzy poodle.  She Says to Bec, "Ya know, you and aunt Mickey really have it together."

"Mom, it takes work, ya know," replies Bec.

"WELL I DO WORK AT IT I JUST DON'T USE BOB THAT'S ALL" Rita(rd) exclaimed.

"Whatever, mom, whatever." at which point we left for our Hotel.  What a fine hotel...it was a high rise and very nice, very nice indeed.  Betch and J-Mac went back to their room (?) and the rest of us split.  I had called Bec, and went looking for her room, supposedly onthe fourth floor.  Upon arrival at the fourth floor, i could BARELY fit through the door.........and i had to crawl around............this floor must've been designed with midgets in mind!  FINALLY open space.....i found my way to the bar, of course, where MTV-like people were inside partying.  Corley was there, and they tried to get us wasted, to no avail.  SO I called Bec, and whe was in the sauna, chatting with Doarsh.  We did, however, eat their chili-dip and it was mighty fine, mighty fine indeed.  They tried to et us to take a picture, but the Chinese girl couldn't get her hair fixed right, so it was OFF TO BROOKSHIRE'S.

Once there we all split up.  These two dudes were following me, and they had the nerve to gank my wallet!  what nerve!  WHACK MAN!!!!!  SO I turned around and said HEY (something naughty) GIVE ME BACK MY WALLLET and i took it back from them, only to have them follow me around the store.  "MA'AM CALL SECURITY" I hollared out loud.

"We Don't HAVE security," she dryly replied. 

"BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO ROB ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I let the whole store know.......

SO I asked the robber guys to "GET OVER HERE," interrogated them as to why they wanted to rob me, and it turned out they just wanted a computer.   told them to get a credit card and pay it off like I did, but it was too late.  The cops were already there - "WHERE DID THE ROBBERS GO?" they asked me..........dazed, and a bit confused, and not wanting to turn over my new friends (yeah we made friends) I shouted "OUT THAT WAY - OUT THE DOOR"

The look of relief on their faces was evident - I had done a good deed.  THEN one came back to me

"You're a biology major" he said

"NO - music"

"So that's all you do?"

"Pretty much"

"Well, that was really nice what you did for us.  I just want you to know I gave my life to Jesus like five times in the cafeteria line because of what you did."

AMEN. 

thoughts?  well, keep them to yourselves and REMEMBER that there are still spots for producers of my movie - let me know!  ciao ~

HEAR YE HEAR YE:

auditions will be held for my new made for students movie, YOU'RE MORE CREATIVE THAN I AM.  we will be shooting all the A.D.D. stories, and making them into a movie.  Allison, Colby, Justin, and Rob are already cast as themselves. 

PLEASE NOTE that my universe isn't big enough for everyone.  don't get upset if you're not cast, or written about.  The point is to make people laugh, so if you laugh, i succeed.  ha ha.  there - i succeeded myself............ or something............whatever.  just purchase the film.